Thursday, March 8, 2012

The Motherfuckers Just Don't Understand Sarcasm

So let me tell you a little about my town.

It's got a 'pregnancy resource center' here. That's actually the name, but the local anti-choicers prefixed it with THE as in "THE Pregnancy Resource Center", using both all caps and the definitive article to emphasize its prominence. Now, there isn't an abortion clinic for 40 minutes in any direction, but this fucking thing is still here, and its raking in money from the city and state to perform the mandatory ultrasounds my redneck state requires of women seeking an abortion. It's half blatant scam, half tragedy.

I pass this shit hole often, but aside from spitting on the parking lot as I walk past, I never have had any interaction with these schmucks. That changed today. You see, these people have had a new addition to the facility. A custom painted 2011 VW Beetle, in pepto-bismol pink and lurid green, slathered in pro-life slogans and one of those bar-code squares your phone can use to link to their website.

So I naturally have something to say about this. And I walk in the front door. Inside the tiny, too hot lobby you've got a Hispanic couple, both about 14 year old, she obviously pregnant and neither ready to be parents, waiting to see a nurse and be told how immoral abortion is. And on the front wall, beside the glassed in admitting nurses' station, you've got a framed quote from Galatians about how dirty and immoral sex is. There were other framed quotes, but I stopped reading after the first. And you have an advertisement for the upcoming release of October Baby, an anti-choice film that has virtually the exact same plot as the opening fiction of Never Born Again, but unlike my book, takes all that crap SERIOUSLY.

I knock on the glass, and the nurse, an affluent white woman in her late forties comes to the desk. I decide my weapon of choice will be sarcasm, if only because I left my Stinger missile launcher in my other jeans.

"You know", I begin, smiling a shark's grin, "I noticed that excellent little pro-life VW out there. It's great, really."

"Oh thank you!"

"Yeah, I know what that car and the custom paint job must of cost. I mean you could of bought tons of disposable diapers and formula for at risk mothers. But instead you're getting the word out, guilting women who are thinking of having an abortion. Good job."

"Oh I'm glad you noticed. God bless you!"

And I wave, walk out the door, and think.... these motherfuckers do not get how sarcasm works.

Fuck, I don't drink and I need a drink.

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